Rule Number One
Mean What You Say
"No, No." A Thousand Times "No"
It just couldn't be simpler: When you say "no"-which you have
to do often when raising a child-you must mean it. The way you show that
you mean it is by enforcing it. Immediately. Not tomorrow or when you get home.
Now. No hemming and hawing, no stalling or waffling, dallying or dawdling. Right
now. This instant. There simply is no other way for a child to learn what is
acceptable behavior and what is not.
When your three-year-old grabs a box of cereal off the shelf at the supermarket,
tell her "no" and ask her to put it back. If she refuses, take it
from her, put it back yourself, and inform her that when you get home she will
have to suffer an appropriate punishment for disobeying you.
If she decides then and there to throw a tantrum, tell her to stop it. If she
refuses, remove her from the area, take her home, and impose a more severe punishment.
A child's bad behavior is like a goldfish; it will take up as much room as
you allow it. But if you apply consistency, gentleness and firmness, you will
not have problems. It's not that complicated.
How Dare You Permit Your Child to Show You Disrespect
If you do not consistently follow this simple rule, you will lose your child's
respect. There are few things uglier. You will lose your child's respect because
she will come to realize that Dad will not follow through on his threats, or
that Mom won't enforce her authority-in short, that her parents don't mean
what they say.
Mom says, "Stop that." The four-year-old blithely disobeys, confident
through experience that Mom won't enforce her words.
Mom says, "Stop it, or else." The child continues her bad behavior,
knowing the threat is an empty one.
Mom says, "I said 'Stop it.' And I mean it." The child, glint in
eye, grin on lips, does "it" again with relish.
Mom gets specific. "Stop it, or I'll take your toys away from you."
Still the child keeps on, assured by history that even this threat is hollow.
What a frustrating scenario to watch, especially since it is so easily avoided.
You Are Making You and Your Child Miserable
The irony is that the child enjoys this dance no more than the
parent. It is a disturbing thing to discover that your parents cannot be depended
upon; that, in fact, they are liars.
Next time you observe a child being insolent toward his parents,
look closely and you'll likely spot anger pulsing among the other emotions of
the moment. It's an anger that arises out of the fact that the child has been
denied his fundamental sense of security. If Mom doesn't mean what she says
when it comes to controlling me, he thinks, then how can I trust anything else
she says? If she doesn't have the guts to enforce my behavior, how can I trust
her to have the guts to protect me?
Your child is relying on you to show him how to negotiate the
perilous mountain road of life. He needs to have confidence in your ability
to not take him careening off the edge.
If he observes that you can't control a little kid like him, how
can he expect you to have any capabilities with the really tough guys out there
in the scary world? Who's going to protect him and show him the way? Certainly
not you. You've betrayed yourself as unfit. Apparently he's going to have to
make it on his own.
What a blow to a kid. No wonder he's angry.
And no wonder that each time he's offered the opportunity to stick
it to you, he'll seize it. Each time he has a chance to defy you, he'll do it
in the way best calculated to cause you the greatest humiliation. Because if
you're not going to provide him the security he needs, he's going to at least
eke out a measure of consolation in the simple pleasure of taking his anger
out on you.
That's what this behavior has become for him: recreation. After
a while, it has little to do with whatever is the subject of the moment: toys,
refusal to go to bed, punching his sister. It is now nothing more than the simple
pleasure of getting in your face and proving once again what a moral coward
you are.
Soon enough he'll be initiating trouble just to get the fun started.
Painful to Watch
Ahead of me in the checkout line at Kmart is a father reading
a tabloid while his three-year-old girl squirms in the shopping cart. Her heels
kick the cart, her lips hum a song, her eyes roam round and round for some escape
from boredom. She notices a display rack within arms' reach.
"Daddy," she says.
"What?"
"I want gum."
"No gum." He doesn't raise his eyes from his reading.
She is irked by the inattention. She kicks out a foot that rattles
his paper. This brings a bright smile to her face. He jerks his paper out of
reach, refusing still to make eye contact with her.
"Daddy," she says again.
"What?" There is irritation in his voice now. Yet she
shows not the slightest hint of being intimidated.
"When are we going! I want to go!"
"Pretty soon," he says, still insistent upon being preoccupied.
"But I want to go now!"
"Sorry. Gotta wait in line." He flips over a page. She
looks at him hard and calculatingly. She happens to catch my eye and holds the
gaze. Her forehead furrows and her mouth presses out a pout. How dare he
treat me like this? her expression says.
She turns in her seat and begins plucking packs of gum from a
display box and tossing them into the shopping cart. After about the fifth one
Dad has no choice finally but to look up.
"Stop it," he says.
"We need gum," she says matter-of-factly, tossing more
packs into the shopping cart.
"I said 'Stop it.'" He closes up his paper in an effort
to show he is serious. Too late.
She wrinkles up her nose and actually sticks her tongue out at
him. Then she steals a glance at me expecting, I suppose, to bask in my admiration
of her audacity. But I'm too busy wincing.
Mercifully he does not slap her. But neither does he do
anything constructive.
"Stop it," he says again, his impotence now as obvious
as his five-o'clock shadow.
She raises her nose another inch in the air and tosses a couple
more packs of gum into the cart.
Father and daughter stare each other into a standoff until it
comes time for Dad to roll forward to the cashier. He does so, taking his daughter
out of reach of the gum. He begins to gather the items in his cart and set them
on the conveyor. She watches him closely and bides her time.
When everything else has been placed on the counter, he collects
the packs of gum from the cart and begins fitting them back in the display boxes.
She's been waiting for this.
"Gum!" she hollers. "I want GUM!"
"No," he says quietly.
"GUM, GUM, GUM, GUM, GUM . . ."
Her chant grows louder and louder until in desperation he takes
the last pack, cups it in his hand, furtively drops it in among his other purchases
on the counter, then steps back as though the gum had fallen from the sky. She
quiets immediately and gives circumstances a little nod of approval.
A few minutes later, after I have paid for my purchases and pause
to slip wallet into pocket, I notice father and daughter just outside the plate
glass window, heading for the parking lot. They have stopped on the sidewalk.
The father is unwrapping something. I look to see what it is. He hands his daughter
a stick of gum, and she folds it into her mouth. She notices me through the
window and gives me a big smile.
It's Your Own Damn Fault
Obviously gum was not the issue. It was an enjoyable little perk,
certainly, but what this little girl was mostly about was reaffirming her moral
authority over her father. She made him squirm, and it was a fun way to pass
a few otherwise boring moments.
Let us acknowledge the obvious: There is absolutely no excuse
for allowing matters to deteriorate to such a point that we become ashamed of
ourselves as parents. Especially when all we have to do is say "no"
and mean it.
It's not that complicated.
2002. All rights reserved. Reprinted from It's
Not That Complicated by Doug Peine. No part of this publication may be reproduced,
stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, without
the written permission of the publisher. Publisher: Health Communications, Inc.,
3201 SW 15th Street, Deerfield Beach, FL 33442.
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