Introduction

In 1976, I met Ken Hussar, a Lancaster, Pennsylvania, comedian, and we became instant friends, bound by our love for superior, clean material. For over twenty-five years we have researched, studied, and collected jokes, purchasing hundreds and hundreds of books, subscribing to the best humor services, watching the late-night talk show hosts and comedians, combing the Internet, and in the process compiling an enviable and voluminous collection. The jokes that are found on the pages that follow are the best-of-the-best from that collection, and have all been battle-tested in live action from the podium.

Robert Orben, to whom this book is dedicated, is in my opinion the best joke writer of all time, and has been a major influence, not only to me, but to countless speakers and comedians.

I have read that one hundred thousand speeches are given daily in the United States, and know from experience that the vast majority of speakers crave material that will draw laughs. The best speakers are aware of the contagious power of laughter that unites and entertains an audience, and at the same time gives the speaker an adrenaline rush. Oh, what a feeling!

This book offers you the winning material you need and want. I emphasize that I am a collector and not the creator of these wonderful jokes-the best ever written and spoken.

As this was book was in the final stages of preparation, Mr. Televison, Milton Berle, dubbed by columnist Walter Winchell as "The Thief of Bad Gags," died at age ninety-three. In response to such accusations. Berle would respond, "I wish I had said that, and don't worry, I will," and "I laughed so hard [at that joke] I nearly dropped my pencil and paper."

Brilliant comedy writer, Larry Gelbart, at Uncle Miltie's farewell service, described Berle's eclectic style, saying, "He had a propensity for giving other people's material a new home." In the Berle tradition, I am giving the jokes in this book a new address.

Tonight Show host Jay Leno says, "You can't stay angry at someone who makes you laugh."

A century ago, Mark Twain noted, "Against the power of laughter, nothing can stand."

Actor Hal Holbrook claims, "When you laugh away something, you've used the most powerful instrument you can to surgically remove it and keep it from hurting you."
American humor icon and author Garrison Keillor says, "Jokes are democratic. Telling one right has nothing to do with having money or being educated. It's a knack, like hammering a nail straight. Anyone can learn it, and it's useful in all situations."

You are holding the finest collection of funny, clean jokes ever. Read 'em and reap!

On Childhood:

Dad was a great procrastinator. I was eight years old before he named me.
He had a nasty disposition. As a kid, he had an imaginary friend who wouldn't even play with him.
My parents were a little overprotective. I had the only tricycle on the block with training wheels.

On Doctors:

He's recovering from major surgery. The surgeon just separated him from his wallet.
I asked my doctor for a second opinion, so he billed me twice.
My doctor took my pulse and said he wouldn't give it back until I had paid him for an office visit.
My sister used to date a doctor, but every time he sent her a love letter, she had to take it to the druggist to read it.

On Politics:

A little old lady from Iowa requested that she be buried in Chicago so that she could keep on voting.
America is a country where a person is assumed innocent until the president offers him a job.
Washington said, "I cannot tell a lie," so right after that, his advisors hired a press secretary for him.
The cheapest way to have your family tree traced is to run for public office.

¬2002. All rights reserved. Reprinted from Winning With One-Liners by Pat Williams. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, without the written permission of the publisher. Publisher: Health Communications, Inc., 3201 SW 15th Street, Deerfield Beach, FL 33442.