Chapter 1
Say It Ain't So!
Professional golfer Tiger Woods was one of the greatest American sports heroes in history. He stepped into our consciousness as a two-year-old on the Mike Douglas Show, hitting a golf ball under the careful tutelage of his father, Earl. He dominated the high school and college golf world, and, upon turning pro, won seventy-one Professional Golfers' Association (PGA) tournaments, including fourteen major golf championships. He has earned almost a billion dollars in prize money and endorsements.
Tiger's success piqued interest both within and outside of the world of golf, and even people who weren't sports fans took notice of this extremely talented athlete. He was named the Associated Press Athlete of the Year and Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year. He hobnobbed with Oprah Winfrey, Roger Federer, and Michael Jordan. He addressed the nation at 'We Are One: The Obama Inaugural Celebration at the Lincoln Memorial' and visited the White House in April 2009. He established numerous youth charity projects, including the Start Something character development program, the Tiger Woods Foundation, In the City golf clinics and festivals, and the Tiger Woods Learning Center. With his polyglot ancestry and globe-trotting golf schedule, he was a role model to billions and the most recognizable sports celebrity in the world. In 2004, Tiger wed the Swedish beauty Elin Nordegren, and several years later Elin gave birth to two children (a girl in 2007 and a boy in 2009). Tiger had love, family, success, fame, and fortune. What more could a man desire?
The fairy-tale life of Tiger Woods came crashing down Thanksgiving night 2009. Sketchy cable news reports said that Tiger had been in a one-vehicle accident and had gone to the hospital. Tabloids soon published lurid charges of a domestic disturbance. On December 2, 2009, the worst fears of the worldwide public were realized when Tiger issued a terse apology for 'personal failing' and 'transgressions.'
The first question on the minds of the world was 'Why?' Why throw away a life of success and respect for a series of meaningless flings with cocktail waitresses, prostitutes, and pornography starlets? How could the idol of millions appear to be so wholesome and yet live a secret double life of shame? Was the Tiger Woods we had all known and loved a man or a mirage?
Unfortunately, Tiger Woods is not the exception. Many have coined 2009 as the Year of the Cad. Late Show host David Letterman admitted to a series of covert relationships with his female staffers and personal assistant, turning the historic Ed Sullivan Theater into his own fraternity house. John Edwards, 2004 vice presidential candidate, revealed a long-rumored liaison with a videographer while his terminally ill wife was out campaigning for him. Former NFL quarterback Steve McNair was murdered by a jilted lover while his unassuming wife and children lived in another state. South Carolina governor Mark Sanford disappeared for a week to rendezvous with an Argentine lover, and disgraced former New York governor Eliot Spitzer attempted to return to public life only months after being caught in a sting operation on the swanky Emperor's Club call girl's ring.
Tiger, Dave, John, Steve, Mark, and Eliot all crafted an image of successful family men but turned out to be mirages to those who loved them most and thought they knew them best. Sadly, this reprehensible behavior isn't limited to just the rich and famous. This same deceptive behavior is just as common in the heartland as the cities, and is practiced by the clerk taking your money at the local Gas 'n' Sip and the middle-class guy struggling to make a living with two kids and a mortgage in the suburbs. With millions of American males embracing the values of Tiger Woods, how can American women possibly avoid being snookered by such love frauds?
This book has good news for all those hoping to avoid the fate of Elin Nordegren. We can learn from Tiger's mistakes. A fulfilling relationship based on honesty is possible. The secret to a happy relationship is staring us in the face, but we need to adopt an activist stance. First, we need to examine our life histories and past relationships. Think back to the days of your innocent school-yard crushes, high school flames, prom dates, college romances, steady boyfriends/girlfriends, and your marriage. Consider how they started, how they progressed, and how they ended (if they did). Were there patterns to the mating dance? How did you behave when you first met and during the romance? Now examine how you reacted as the relationship expired. Do you see a rhythm to the ritual?
The Bill Murray movie Groundhog Day featured this notion of repeating patterns in relationships. Bill Murray played Phil, a smart-aleck TV weatherman for a small-market station. On February 2, the TV station sends Phil to Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, to cover the annual Groundhog Day festivities with his estranged producer Rita (played by the lovely Andie MacDowell). Something changes in the universe and Phil is forced to relive February 2 over and over, like an episode of The Twilight Zone. Phil eventually learns to use this opportunity to change his interests, skills, beliefs, and goals to conform to Rita's and gradually wins her heart. Once Phil becomes Rita's dream guy, the repetitive curse is lifted.
Think about the manner in which Phil goes about winning Rita. In the movie Phil and Rita end up living happily ever after, but in real life would this relationship last? Phil only changed to win Rita. He didn't go into therapy to find out why he lived his entire life as a selfish, egotistical, miserable human being.
Those who give up smoking or drinking find out how hard it is to truly change even a small part of one's behavior. Now think about how hard it would be to change every part of your life—every taste, every natural impulse, every habit. Through the intervention of the Fates, Phil manages to do it as a short-term goal to gain the hand of Rita. Once Phil achieves his goal and loses his motivation to change, wouldn't it be likely he would revert back to his bad old self? In Groundhog II wouldn't we be more likely to see an unshaven Phil lying on the couch in his T-shirt and sweat bottoms, watching sports and barking orders for another beer from the snookered Rita?
The exaggerated patterns of Groundhog Day are instructive in understanding why marriages in America are so unfulfilling. Men just like Tiger seek superficial conformity to their lady's tastes to conjure up the familiar spirits of intimacy. Later, when the thrill of the romance fades, the woman is often stuck with a stranger. How many times has this pattern happened to you, women readers? If you are a man, how many times did you hide your true self from the woman you were dating?
More and more women are finding themselves stuck with cranky strangers. Los Angeles Times columnist Robin Abcarian describes a telling account of three working mothers checking in with each other in an article entitled 'Happily Married . . . or Just Nuts?':
Wife 1, cautiously: Do you ever feel like your husband just doesn't like you?
Wife 2: All the time!
Wife 3: It's one of my standard fighting refrains: If you dislike me so much, why did you ever marry me?
Wife 1: When I ask other friends about this, they all look at me like I'm crazy, like they don't know what I'm talking about.
Wife 1 and Wife 2, in unison: Liars, liars, pants on fire. (Abcarian, sec. E, 1, 4)
How often have you heard a female friend complaining about her spouse, describing a litany of obnoxious traits and a grumpy disposition? Then, when asked why she ever married such a boorish lout, her response is, 'Well, Frank was nothing like this when we were dating.'
Women readers, that is the key to understanding men. Many men are not their true selves when they are dating you—they are mirages. Like Tiger Woods, many American men seek superficial values, hide their true feelings, and conform to win their dream girls. Commercials, television shows, movies, and even music drum into men's brains that conformity and deception are part of the dating and mating scene.
Now that we know what is wrong with relationships from the outset, what can we do to stop repeating the failed dating game over and over in our own private Groundhog Day? To achieve a satisfying relationship, women must learn to recognize these smooth-talking love salesmen. Men must unlearn this harmful pattern so they can stop this insane method of courtship and marriage. By studying the concepts in the following chapters, both male and female readers will learn healthy ways of relating to the opposite sex and hopefully avoid the pain and broken dreams of Tiger and Elin Nordegren. |
