If you're about to walk down the aisle, you want every day to be as happy as your special day. However while there is lots of advice on planning a wedding, there's precious little to prepare you for the rest of your life together. If you're lucky your mother will offer a few tips and your father will makes some jokes but otherwise you're on your own.

Perhaps it's some years since you promised to love and cherish each other and the pressures of everyday life have taken the shine off things. Throw in the sort of crises that everyone faces at some point—like financial problems, losing a parent, family rows and infidelity—and it's easy for the love between the two of you to be seriously damaged.

So what are the secrets of happy couples that stay strong rather than grow apart? In this groundbreaking book, marital therapist Andrew G. Marshall, explains that it's not chemistry that keeps partners connected but skills.

It's likely that you didn't learn these skills as a child because your parents didn't know them or couldn't explain them. Maybe they avoided conflict, fought like cat or dog or split up when you were young so never showed you to fall out safely, make-up and resolve differences. Fortunately, it's never too late to learn how to communicate better and repair your relationship—even if you're on the verge of splitting up.

Marshall draws on thirty plus years working with over three thousand clients to give you his tried and test tool kit for a happy marriage. It includes:

• The rules for constructive arguments.
• How to be a better listener.
• Use carrots rather than sticks.
• How to forgive and move on.

CHAPTER ONE

Taking Stock

What is the best predictor of a long and happy relationship? Coming from similar backgrounds? Common interests, ambitions, and attitudes? A healthy sex life? The amount of support from family and friends? Great chemistry? All of these are useful, but ultimately not decisive. Numerous research projects have come to the same conclusion. It doesn't matter how many problems a couple face, or how difficult, the best predictor for happiness is how well they are handled.

It should be reasonably easy to disagree with your partner, put your point of view across, debate the differences, and find a compromise. After all, you love each other and want the best for each other. But this is just one of the many paradoxes about love. The more that you love someone, the more it hurts if he or she is upset and the more you hurt if he or she rejects you. So while a dispute with a work colleague or a run-in with a stranger can be shrugged off reasonably easily, one with your partner is doubly painful and therefore doubly difficult to resolve.

Worse still, there are no lessons at school on how to argue effectively and make up afterward—so there is no resentment and fuel for round two—and if you did not learn at home (because your parents set the negative example of sulking for days or tearing into each other) it is even harder to know where to start. That's why I have put together a series of love hacks to draw on. It will help you foster attitudes that take the sting out of disagreements, recognize any bad habits, put your case in an assertive but not aggressive way, listen to your partner respectfully, postmortem a row, and ultimately, resolve your differences.

The first love hack is to take stock and understand how you and your partner settle disputes.

WHAT'S YOUR ARGUING STYLE?

This quiz puts the spotlight on your relationship's strengths and weaknesses, and provides some targeted advice:

1. You partner leaves her or his shoes where you can trip over them, or clothes where they don't belong. What is your reaction?

a) Count to ten.

b) My partner is thoughtless, lazy, or disrespectful.

c) I really must speak to him or her.

2. Your partner needs to spend time away from home for his or her job, hobby, or further education. This leaves you looking after the kids—again. How do you react?

a) Inwardly seethe and feel taken for granted. However, you complain only to your mother, a friend, or not at all.

b) Get your revenge by being uncooperative or by coming up with lots of obstacles.

c) You agree but ask him or her to cover a night out with your friends in return.

3. What is the unofficial motto of your relationship?

a) Don't make waves.

b) When it's good it's very, very good and when it's bad it's horrid.

c) Together we can take on the world.

4. Your partner has an irritating habit—such as slurping coffee. What do you about it?

a) Sigh. You've spoken about it before.

b) Make a sarcastic comment.

c) Ask her or him to wait until it's not so hot.

5. You make an amorous advance in bed but your partner is not really in the mood and would prefer a cuddle instead. How do you react?

a) Have a half-hearted cuddle but privately resolve not to risk rejection in the future.

b) Turn your back and make him or her feel guilty or know how it feels to be turned down.

c) Enjoy the cuddle but talk about it the next day and explain how upset you felt.

6. You are in the car together and you're lost, late, and tired. What happens next?

a) You sulk and finish the journey in silence.

b) Your partner complains about your map reading and you blame him or her for taking the wrong turning.

c) You ask for directions.

7. Your partner arranges for her or his parents, who you can cope with only in small doses, to visit for a long weekend without asking. What is your reaction?

a) Invite friends round to lessen the burden and help the weekend go smoothly.

b) Get angry and have it out.

c) Explain why the decision hurts and what would make it easier.

8. It's a hot summer's day and an attractive man or woman walks past wearing very little. What do you do?

a) Pretend not to notice as it avoids a nasty row.

b) Check your partner is not ogling them and get upset if she or he looks twice.

c) Tease each other or point out the beautiful stranger's failings.

9. Your electricity bill is huge. What happens next?

a) Each of you makes a couple of pointed comments over the next few days about lights left on.

b) You accuse each other of being wasteful and bring up other bad habits.

c) You agree on a plan for saving energy and money.

10. Which of the following do your arguments most closely resemble?

a) An on/off switch. Either one or the other of you wants to talk or is annoyed, but seldom both at the same time.

b) Cat and dog fight. Lots of rough-and-tumble with both sides losing their temper.

c) A debating chamber. Although things can get heated, everybody gets their say.

MOSTLY a): Low-conflict: The two of you get on well enough and life runs smoothly, but there is very little passion. Sometimes, it can seem that you are more brother and sister than husband and wife. Don't panic, it is possible to get the passion back. The first step is to admit to the problem and the second to stop sidestepping things that irritate you or pretending that they don't matter. Contrary to popular opinion, arguing is good for your relationship. It sorts out what is truly important and creates a sense that something needs to change. Expressing anger, making up, and finally sorting out a compromise is the most intimate thing a couple can do. Isn't it time you showed your partner that you care? (You will find Chapter Four particularly helpful.)

MOSTLY b): High-conflict: There is plenty of passion in your relationship, but is it always positive? Although you are not afraid to let rip, the rows just tend to push you and your partner into separate corners rather than solving anything. When you're upset, the automatic response is to punish—either by withdrawing or criticizing. Guess what? Your partner will sink down to your level and the relationship becomes trapped in a negative downward spiral. Why not lead by example and do something nice instead? Your partner might not immediately respond in kind, but before long he or she will feel better disposed and ready to return the favor. Miracle of miracles, you have set up a positive circle. It just takes somebody to make the first move. Why not you? Don't expect your partner to change overnight; in fact she or he will probably be suspicious, but be patient. After three or four weeks, you should see a difference. With your relationship on an even keel, you are ready to discuss what went wrong. (You will find Chapter Five particularly useful.)

MOSTLY c): Medium-conflict: You don't overreact to problems and you don't ignore them. Congratulations for finding the middle path. However, be wary, especially if you answered 'a' or 'b' to some questions, as certain topics or being tired and stressed can still overwhelm your arguing skills. Under these circumstances, the atmosphere at home can easily turn from happy into dissatisfied. Probably about thirty percent of couples who seek my help have medium-conflict relationships. (You will find Chapter Seven, 'How to Argue Effectively,' particularly helpful, but please read the other chapters to understand how arguments can turn sour.)

©2019 Andrew G. Marshall. All rights reserved. Reprinted from The Happy Couple's Handbook: Powerful Life Hacks for a Successful Relationship.. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, without the written permission of the publisher. Publisher: Health Communications, Inc., 3201 SW 15th Street, Deerfield Beach, FL 33442.