As a mom, I have absolutely found a connection between my stress or calm and my daughter's mood and behavior. Calm Mama, Happy Baby gives moms practical tools for choosing calm over stress no matter what is happening. These techniques have been a lifesaver for me." —Tiffani Thiessen, actress

"A fascinating look at how we are neurologically 'programmed' to think, feel, and act like our parents. This book shows moms how to avoid passing along habits of stress and negativity, setting their children up for good health, optimal learning, and better sleep." —Anjalee Warrier Galion, MD, Children's Hospital Orange County

With constant feedings, teary outbursts, and trying to help your baby sleep through the night, it's no wonder that parents of babies and young children feel overwhelmed. Yet eye-opening neuroscientific research shows that your stress directly affects your child's mood, behavior, and health. The good news is that calm mamas have calmer, happier babies who usually feed and sleep better, too. 

Drawing on their experience in nearly two decades of working with parents in Hollywood and around the globe, Derek O'Neill and Jennifer Waldburger give parents practical tools for choosing calm over stress no matter what is happening with their child. For any mom who's ever said, "I wish my baby came with instructions," Calm Mama, Happy Baby offers a step-by-step approach for helping you parent intuitively, with confidence.

• Discover the negative habits that cause stress and zap your energy
• Learn how to understand your baby's communication on all levels
• Defuse any parenting situation, from feeding problems and sleep disruptions to separation anxiety, fussiness, and colic
• Explore why becoming a parent brings up unresolved fears and insecurities—and how to put them to rest.

When mama is happy, your child is happy, too—and the entire household thrives.

Chapter 1

Little Bright Lights

As you well know, you have a very aware little being living under your roof. From an early age—perhaps even since birth—your child has appeared incredibly alert, missing nothing as she takes in information from her environment. Her sharp senses cause her to be amazingly responsive to the sights and sounds around her; to her, there is never a dull moment. She may also not care much about sleeping or eating, despite your concerns on either front, as she's got better things to do. Your child is so awake, in fact, that people comment on this often, along with her wide-open eyes and extremely focused gaze.

Just who is this extraordinary little person who has come into your life? Of course, all parents like to believe that their child is unusually intelligent—this has always been so—but the children coming into the world these days really do seem remarkably bright. They don't just seem intelligent, they seem far more intelligent than we are, and highly advanced. Some are rolling, crawling, and walking much earlier than they typically would at their age; others are on a fast track cognitively, seeming to understand not only every word you say but even what you don't say. The babies being born these days also seem incredibly  resilient and happy; despite sometimes having strong reactions to life's bumpy road while they adjust to being here in the first few months of life, as they grow they tend to recover from their ups and downs very quickly. If it weren't for the disguise of their very small bodies, we'd probably all pay good money to sit in the classrooms of these gifted little teachers.

Why does it seem like the current crop of babies has taken some sort of gigantic developmental leap forward? Perhaps one explanation for this phenomenon is that we've become more aware of mothers' and infants' needs while the baby is in utero, especially concerning nutrition, and mothers are making different, and healthier, choices. But is that the only explanation? Because we spend so much time around babies in the work we do with parents and families, we've been asking this question often over the last several years, watching little ones and listening to story after story from their parents, extended family, caregivers, pediatricians, and teachers. Doctors and nurses tell us that whereas babies in hospital nurseries used to sleep most of the time, now they seem much more alert from the get-go. Baby-group teachers report that babies in their classes seem to have awareness of both their surroundings and other babies at an astonishingly early age, and even empathy; they've watched as one baby crawls to another who is crying to keep her company, offer a kiss, or even reach out and touch her cheek. In our own interactions with children, we've seen newborns track people across the room at only days old, one- and two-month-olds respond to their names, and babies not even six months old able to roll a ball back and forth, say 'mama,' or follow a parent's guidance to pet the kitty gently. At only a year and a half, Derek's granddaughter, Alexa, began to go into quiet meditation spontaneously during a typical afternoon's play!

As remarkable as the babies being born these days are, though, you've likely discovered that being the parent of a little bright light is not always easy. As the mother of this wide-awake child, you have no choice but to try to keep up with her. Unfortunately, that may mean that you're up in the wee, small hours counting sheep together, as your little one may fight sleep with unbelievable gusto. It may also mean that you worry a lot. If she doesn't like to eat, how will she gain weight? If she doesn't sleep, won't that affect her brain development? She may get bored easily, never stop moving, react to any slight change in her environment, chatter away all day long, and want to engage you constantly. Being this little person's mom can feel like a fun-filled amusement-park ride, but it can also be very stressful!

The Stresses of Parenting Today

Stress has always been part of the job description as a parent, and probably always will be. But the kind of stress a mom experiences these days, which has a lot to do with her confusion or confidence about what's best for her child, is different from that of previous generations largely because of her social isolation. In Western society particularly, lots of new moms don't live near their families of origin, as their mothers and grandmothers may have, and it's more difficult to impart time-tested wisdom handed down from grandmom to mom, or from aunties, older siblings, cousins, and other extended family, when physical distance prevents frequent communication. (Phone, e-mail, and video chat will never replace a live body standing next to you to help troubleshoot a crying baby, or at least take a turn holding her.) The quality of a mom's relationship with her own mom and extended family matters a lot, too; where there is emotional disconnect due to unresolved conflict, a new mom won't be as open to input and advice, no matter how sound it is, and it may not even be forthcoming. A mom's sense of social support is further impacted by the availability and accessibility of resources like mom-and-baby classes, and she may not have as much time for friendships post-baby or as much in common with friends who aren't moms. On top of everything else, having a new baby can wreak havoc on even the most stable couple relationship and can cause new concerns about finances, work, and physical health and well-being, too.

The trickle-down effect of parental stress on children has been making lots of headlines in recent times. According to one study, for example, parents' stress directly impacts a child's propensity to become ill, and it may impact her developing immune system as well.1 Another study found that parental stress in early childhood affected DNA methylation, a biochemical process that alters genetic expression, in later childhood.2 In a survey by the American Psychological Association, 86 percent of children reported that their parents' stress caused them to feel negative emotions such as sadness, worry, or frustration, despite the fact that more than two-thirds of their parents reported that their stress had no impact on their child.3 Equally alarming is the adverse effect that long-term stress can have on a child's brain development and overall well-being. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 'toxic stress,' in which elevated levels of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline are present in a child's body for a prolonged time, has been shown to impact children in the following ways:4

Toxic stress can impair the connection of brain circuits and lead to the development of a smaller brain.

Children can become overly reactive to adverse experiences throughout their lives, developing a low stress threshold.

High levels of stress hormones can suppress the body's immune response, leading to chronic health problems.

Sustained high levels of certain stress hormones can damage areas of the brain important for learning and memory.

So because your baby is so strongly attuned to everything in her environment, and most especially to you, the stakes are high. When it comes to stress—and everything else, for that matter—there are no hiding places. To a sensitive, highly aware child, you are basically transparent. The pressure from your job, your financial woes, the pent-up resentment toward your mother, your negative feelings about your body, the simmering tension in your marriage—your child picks up on every bit of it. How? From the tone of your voice, your overall mood, the rhythm of your body movements, how you're moving your eyes, and the way you're interacting with your significant other—in other words, she learns about you by being with you. In fact, because she's so tuned in, she may be even more aware than you are of what you're feeling. Everything in your baby's environment is up for grabs as far as she is concerned, and because she's so keen on taking it all in, grab she will.

©2014. JENNIFER WALDBURGER, MSW. All rights reserved. Reprinted from Calm Mama, Happy Baby. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, without the written permission of the publisher. Publisher: Health Communications, Inc., 3201 SW 15th Street, Deerfield Beach, FL 33442.